I just want to take a moment to thank everyone who reads the blog, takes the time to comment, or send me an email, and for all of your support over the past year in particular. It has meant the world to me. I have gotten behind in blogging in the past few months mostly because it's been cold and there hasn't been much to write about, but I also spend a great deal of time feeling miserable so inspiration hasn't come as easily. I miss blogging, and I've fallen behind in keeping up with a lot of your blogs although I do try to catch up. I'm trying to get back in the swing of things slowly. I apologize to anyone who has sent me a message that I have not replied to in a timely manner, I'm behind even in real life with things with my friends and family, its not personal, it's just a product of me being sick and having limited energy... with the limited energy I do have it goes to trying to keep the house from falling apart, trying to keep us fed properly, and trying to take care of all of my animals of which there are a lot. I've found even people closer in my life do not seem to realize that it takes a great deal of time and effort to care for so many animals - even when well, let alone when sick. My health still sucks. Since January I have spent 90% of all my time in bed and it's gotten worse instead of better. I had a good day where I had a lot less pain two days ago - I have been keeping a log for my Doctor and the last time I had a good day was 32 days ago. We know what is wrong mostly and I do need surgery again, and also a few other things - but Doctors appointments take a lot of time to get - I've been waiting for my next one for over a month, surgical appointments take months to get, so nothing happens quickly. It's a constant struggle. I have a lot of fatigue which hits quickly and when it does I can't function, my brain shuts off as well as my body, it's like someone turning a switch, I'm good, and then it's like turning a light switch off. I know some of you will understand what I mean by that. However, I am coping and some days I have a few good hours, and every month I have usually 3-4 days where I'm a little better, but it's completely unpredictable... so making plans is impossible. I have set dates for friends AND family to come over and cancelled about 20 times since the fall.
My point is to say, my health is still not good and I'm trying to keep afloat. However, I don't want to talk about it in every blog post because it's not the only thing going on in my life. I also find when I post on FB pictures of my animals or cooking, people tend to think I must be better - because I don't constantly write about the awful stuff. That's just not me, on both the blog and other social media, sometimes I will mention things but not everyday, I am not going to go through every awful thing that happens during a day or a week, I'm going to try and focus on the good. When I have updates on things, I'll give them, but I can't only write about or post about the pain, the frustration, and the sadness I fight constantly. Life is more than that - and for anyone who is dealing with chronic illness of ANY kind, if we only dwell on negativity we will never heal and we will have no quality of life and nothing to look forward too. I know this because I've done it. I've felt that hopelessness that you will never find pain relief and that you will loose everything you love. It's not a place you want to be in your mind or heart, and it does no good.
This has been a huge struggle for me in a lot of ways, physically it's difficult, but mentally and emotionally it's a constant battle to keep moving forward. Thankfully I have a lot of reasons I want to get better, and I have constant motivation every time I look in the eyes of any of my animals.
Part of the reason I think I have felt less motivation to blog or to write is that mentally I've had too much fog caused by pain, fear, and also fatigue. But then I hear the frogs peeping at night, or am able to take a short walk in the forest, or cuddle with my goats, and I am reminded of what's truly important, and suddenly that fog lifts a little bit and I am much more inspired to focus on the good, and I am also much more inspired to share with all of you. I appreciate very much the friends I have made through blogging, and each of you who read. I love so much being able to share my life with you, my animals, the good things, and I also appreciate being able to open up to you about some of the bad. I don't like writing about only the happy things because it's not real, everything is not always rainbows and puppies, sometimes it's really painful, and really hard. And I think in order to share I need to be honest, because it's important. Life gives us many challenges and it's absolutely about how you handle them that defines you - not the challenge itself.
I appreciate the spiritual and emotional growth I have gained from what I have been going through. I imagine if I had less pain and was more physically capable I'd appreciate it even more though! But I am hopeful in time that will come. Before my last surgery I was fighting a big battle but I was still capable of doing things, since surgery in July, I am still not doing all my animal chores, and some days (a lot of days) not able to do anything at all except feel miserable. That's been hard. Never in a million years did I think that would happen. I know the surgery helped but certainly not on the level we had hoped, and we know a couple of those reasons and hopefully if they get taken care of, I'll see real relief. It's a gamble because I may not see real relief, but I will not think about that because it's pointless. I am focusing on getting better - I may not ever be pain free but functional and in a lot less pain I will accept and I still have great faith I'll get there. It's just all about patience right now.
All of this is to say, I wanted to be open and honest, and I appreciate all of your ongoing support, and kindness. But this isn't my focus, my focus is on healthy baby goats, the forest slowly but surely waking up from her long winters sleep, and bread that needs kneading. Life is full of beauty and blessings and while it's perfectly fine to let yourself acknowledge the negative things (like disease, illness, loss) we must be remember not to let ourselves live in that place. We have to be able to live in a space of hope, and beauty. It's what keeps us living, but also what gives us a reason to push through all of the difficult things.
I'm wishing each of you a very beautiful weekend and Happy Easter full of beauty, blessings and love.
I'm off to bake some pies. Because pie is one of those things that reminds us to get through the difficult things in life and focus on the good :)