Today I took some of this...

and made some of this...



Oh yes. If you didn't know you can easily whip up some butter by putting heavy cream into your mixer and mixing it for about 5-10 minutes... it's something you should know. It's ahhh-maz-ing.

In between we did a lot of this....



I also made a loaf of bread, flour tortillas and boiled a bunch of eggs. After I worked so hard to clean the kitchen... When I was finished it was back in the same state I had worked so hard to get it out of.

And we also played with the news boys...



Theo...



and Charlie!

If you haven't read it, here is my post about our rescued rabbits and why my nickname is luckybunny. 

I haven't been accepting surrendered rabbits in quite some time. Because when I do adopt a rabbit they stay with us until they pass away, most rabbits are with me from anywhere from 6-12 years, even when I take in seniors, and I was letting my numbers naturally decrease to a much more manageable level. I'm still doing that, or I am supposed to be doing that, but a month ago when I heard about these boys, my iron will was broken and I said yes. I get a lot of emails about rabbits needing homes - less than I used to since I stopped accepting most rabbits, but still, a lot. Each time I know I cannot help it's hard. I want to help, but I've learned my limitations and I need to be able to take care of all my animals at the best level possible. And within my limitations which are more than usual right now.

But I had room. And as I said, my iron will. It's not that way all the time.

I was contacted about these boys in April. But since the beginning of May, I've received about 10 more messages from people wanting to rehome their rabbits. May is always the worst month, just enough time for the kits from Easter to be grown. And a lot of people have seniors they don't want to keep any longer, or for one reason or another, can't keep any longer, and spring seems to be when these things all happen. 

If I could, I would take them all. But I've learned my lesson, even when I was healthier. Right now, I don't need to be taking on bigger projects.

Theo and Charlie arrived from Toronto Saturday morning. Two bonded and neutered boys. I love bonded pairs, or trios. Something is just comforting knowing they can live with their friends and be happy. These boys are very sweet and have adjusted really well. Even when they arrived it was just like they knew this was going to be their new home and they might as well relax. They love the little dogs and other animals, and are in the sunroom right now, right outside my bedroom door which is open to them. The Prairie dogs are there in the summer over night too. We lie in bed and listen to the frogs and Whip-poor-will, and also thumping bunnies and Nelly running on her wheel at 5 AM. She's got a tough fitness routine.

I know what it is. But it still gets Kevin sometimes thinking something is happening he should be concerned about.

Nope. Just Nelly keeping fit and working off all those treats she eats during the day... 

The days have been busy, and my sheep are naked...

I've been trying to post this for a couple of days, so please bear with me, I have a lot to catch up on! I usually work on posts in the evening and lately by evening, I'm heading for bed with the dogs and crossword puzzles. Every day this week has been long and busy. We've got a lot done, but it's been pretty exhausting with a lot of off farm trips added in. Today, aside from regular chores, I'm laying low and catching up on emails and the blog, which is a good distraction because I need to lay low even though I don't really want to. I had high hopes of also baking some bread and making scalloped potatoes and ham for dinner. I'm still holding out hope I might get one of those done, but if I don't. I just don't. Biscuit has been milked, the animals have been fed, everyone is out relaxing... The Pygmy kids are out for the second day and playing with the older goat kids, which is a sight for sore eyes. And now it's time for me to lie down. I'm trying not to feel bad about it, or frustrated because I had to give up for a little while. The dogs don't mind these afternoon lie downs one bit. They love this new part of the day.



The kids are loving being outside and I'm so glad, Dahlia resisted taking them out for a long time.



Rose is also happy to have her Pygmy friends out. She likes the other goats, but Dahlia is best friend.

I cannot believe the huge amount of support I received, and the encouragement from so many of you after my last post. After being on the fence about whether to share it or not, I've very glad I did, and I'm also so very thankful for your prayers, kindness, support, your comments, and your private emails warmed my heart and you have all definitely encouraged me to keep moving forward, to be strong. So many of us deal with challenges in life and like so many of them, it's not always just about the ending it's also about the journey, even when the journey isn't all that fun.

If I've learned anything from what I've dealt with so far honestly as much as depression can come into play, frustration, fear... it's that I love living. I love life, and no matter how hard things are or scary, there is so much beauty all around. I see it everyday, and I hear it... and I'm grateful for it.

Wednesday morning it was Douglas, Norman and Max's turn to go to the Vet for their annual check ups and vaccines. On the 29th it's Rollie's turn to go - but he's going for the big neuter (I can't wait) and Flavious will go get his boosters. For Norman and Douglas it's not a big deal but Max does not travel well nor tolerate leaving his animals and the farm. Thankfully he fit into the largest dog crate I have (which I didn't expect) and we were able to load him easily. He gets terribly car sick (he has since he was a puppy) if he's inside the cab of the truck, but if he's in the back and he can have fresh air, he never gets sick and he's much less stressed. Norman and Douglas checked out just fine, although Norman will in the near future need dental work, which scares the hell out of me. He's been on Vetmedin since he was one because he was born with an enlarged heart. It's not too bad still, and I've been able to keep him on the same dose of Vetmedin for going on 5 years which is amazing. I manage his weight, which is the biggest thing. When he gains it's in his chest and that affects his breathing. But because of his heart, I worry more about any kind of surgery or work that requires anesthetic. Many of my friends with Chihuahua's who are both seniors and many who have had worse heart problems than Norman's assure me they have been fine. But I've also had close friends loose their Chi's (little dogs are so much more sensitive to anything) who were healthy and going in for routine work. I do however trust my Vet very much, and he just recently did dental work on a dog with a worse heart than Norman's and took precautions such as using only the amount of anesthetic necessary and also keeping the surgery super short so the dog was under for the shortest period of time possible. I've been under anesthetic 5 times in the past 6 years myself, but I'm worried sick over this little dog having some minor dental work. But I will deal with that as it comes.

As for Max, he did well. My plan all along was to leave him in the truck and let Dr. Greg come out to the truck to give him his needles, but I was going to pull him out of the crate. That wouldn't have worked. Max is very protective over me especially with men, even with Kevin so he let Dr. Greg know right away he wasn't thrilled about his presence. But if I had not been the one holding Max it would have been worse. He trusts me. So I held his collar with the crate door open and my face next to his, and Dr. Greg ran around back of the crate and quickly gave Max his shots without Max even knowing anything had happened. Done.

And when it was all over, Max was very happy to come back home where he belongs.

Thursday we ran errands in the city, the main one being picking up my camera which has returned from getting fixed, good as new! I'm so happy to have it back.

And then Friday my day started really early, just after 6. My sheep shearer was due to arrive for 7 but he ended up running late and got here closer to 8. In the meantime I had coffee and watched the mist rise from the pond. Two Swans showed up and were swimming in the far end of the pound. It was beautiful.

 I am thankful for my shearer. I have three sheep. Well, four, but one is a lamb and doesn't count for shearing. I live very far back in the bush. Most people won't even come visit us because they won't drive our lane. My old shearer retired and the other ones anywhere near me (it's hard to find anyone who even shears anymore) won't even return my calls. My shearer lives in Quebec now, but still sneaks me in between his real jobs, and comes all the way out here to shear my three misfit sheep. Three legged Lila, Blind Braveheart, and goofy Horace. If it wasn't for him, I'd have to do it myself and have you ever looked up how much electric shears cost? I have. I have the normal giant hand shears but I'd be afraid for the sheep and my limbs if I tried to use those.

He was passing through on his way to Quebec for 3 weeks, so if I missed him, it would be 3 weeks or more before I'd have a chance to get the sheep sheared again. I didn't want them to wait that long, although it has been quite cool.

When I got up to the barn, everyone was asleep. My animals are not early risers, people don't believe me sometimes but go up to my barn before 8:30 and no one is going to get up to even look at you... unless it's to give you a dirty look for bothering them. This whole family doesn't do mornings very well. I love mornings, I love watching the sun rise but the whole bunch of us are night hawks, try as we might to change that.

The sheep got sheared with no problem (and they got their feet trimmed) and I think despite their annoyance, they were pretty happy about getting their haircuts.



Hey Horace, you are completely naked!



Come back, no one is laughing at you! I swear...

One of my blog friends, Suzanne asked a good question a while ago, I thought I'd answer here, in case others might wonder as well. She asked if I shave my livestock guardians, Flavious and Max (Flavious is a purebred Great Pyrenees and Max is a Maremma) for the summer, and the answer is, no. They do shed a lot of their coat but of course still have a whole lotta fur- but that fur is insulation. Just as it is in the winter from the cold, it helps keep them cool in the summer. It also protects them from the bugs. In summer here we are over whelmed with multiple nasty biting bugs, deer flies, horse flies, black flies... all of which would have easy access to the dogs skin and do a whole lotta damage. Their white coat actually reflects the sun, so that the heat does not penetrate the dogs body, and also repels rain. It's quite amazing actually! So it's really better to not shave them. They do however get a brush - and in Flavious case mats get trimmed and so does his butt. But they have evolved with that coat to protect them, in the cold and also in the heat. I've had many house dogs who needed shaving throughout the years, the main one being a Chow/Samoyed. He absolutely got shaved every summer to help keep him cool...

warning: here comes a flashback to 2004/05 

I can give a pretty good haircut... just don't expect it to be even. Dublin was a dog I adopted when I was caring for a herd of rescued animals at an Animal Sanctuary. When we all moved on from there, Dublin came with me. He was a senior then, and he had never trusted anyone after coming from an abusive home and then multiple shelters, the last one of which he was set to be euthanized at. But we bonded. He was a good boy, and I miss him a lot. 

This was always one of my favorite pictures of him... 

OK back to the present. 

The geese have started to bring their babies into the yard. It's adorable. I love watching them from the deck, especially when they are swimming around in the pond. As they get older, they will start to bring the goslings up closer to the house and further away from the water.

After my sheep got sheared on Friday, I was able to work for most of the afternoon out on the porch. Kevin kept bringing me dirt, and I managed to get a good start on the planting and organizing, but it was just a start.

I feel so behind but the truth is we normally don't plant until June 1st around here anyway. It seems later than it is. It's also been very cold lately and it's cold again today. I'm hoping I won't have to bring my plants inside anymore, but we are not in the clear for frost yet.

These little guys are coming up quickly. I've always planted my sunflowers right in the ground, and then watched as the chipmunks follow behind me digging out the seeds... so I decided to start them inside this year so maybe I'll actually get to enjoy them, instead of just feeding the chipmunks. 

It's slow going... but things are coming a long. I've got about 50 more pots to plant. Nothing major ;) 

We bought strawberry baskets this year. I always have them in the garden but I fight with the chipmunks and birds (mostly the chipmunks) a lot over the berries, so I decided to try growing some on the porch just to see how that works. I know you can buy screens, and that does help a lot with the birds. But the chipmunks... they are crafty creatures. 

The Prairie dogs have been enjoying being able to be outside for most of the day, as long as it's been warm and the sun has been out.

While Kevin was busy mowing the lawn, I put my own lawn mower in the garden hoping he'd clear the unwanted grass out of my raised beds for me...

He's been working on it. I tie him out in a different spot every day so he always has fresh grass. It's perfect right now in the garden because it's easy to tie him away from anything that's planted I don't want him to eat. I find Jackson doesn't eat too much other than grass, unlike the goats who would clean out my raspberries, rhubarb, horseradish and anything even remotely green looking if they were in there.

Jackson: You don't want me to eat what?

You really think I'd eat horseradish? I'm not that kind of horse lady.

The girls have been enjoying their yard and also having Jackson around. Out of the 10 girls, I'm getting 8 eggs a day now.

The fawn we spotted by our apple tree the other night came into the yard to see me and the little dogs while they were out for a pee. I could hear him crunching the leaves, and then he peeked over the hill to see what we were doing. He wasn't afraid of the little dogs at all. I left some treats out for him, but he went off on his way after he said hello.

Yesterday morning two new critters showed up at the farm. They are in the sun porch right now, right outside my bedroom door, relaxing. They are adjusting quite well. I'll share more on them tomorrow.

I also got an update on Izzie and she's doing fabulous. She's really bonding with her new family and their autistic son, and I feel so good about it. If I did not move through some of the animals that have come to me in a time of need, I'd never be able to help any other animals, and that's the thing. This story has such a happy ending for everyone... and now maybe if and when the time comes that another desperate animal needs me, I'll have the resources to offer them a chance too.

Again I want to thank each of you for your supportive words. If you don't hear back from me personally it's because I can't reply to your comments through email. Please know every single message meant a lot to me and I appreciate not only you reading the blog, your friendship, and your kindness, but the fact so many of you took a minute out of your busy day to get in touch with me. I thank you for following along with me on this journey toward healing.

Moving forward from here...

First of all, Thank you all so very much for your love and support in regards to my last post. It means the world to me, and definitely helps inspire me to keep going forward. 

I've thought a lot about how much to share if anything about my current struggles with health. Is it too personal, too big of an issue, what do I say, how much? A few people commented saying that they actually appreciated that I had been honest about this, and many people have wondered what has been going on with me, health wise. So I decided, sharing isn't all that bad... 

There was a while, over this past winter when I began to think I'd have to give up my entire way of life because of this. I had no way out. Such limited options. But now at least while there is no quick fix to my problems, I do have one hope in mind. 

I actually sat in my Doctors office a couple of months ago crying, telling her the pain was getting worse and I couldn't understand it. I don't cry in front of Doctors. Or people. She told me to think more positively and that I wouldn't notice the pain so much. I've heard many things like this from Doctors and it gets very difficult to not be completely discouraged and loose all faith you'll have any sort of quality of life ever again.

The hope I have lies all the way in Atlanta Georgia. 

A lot of you asked, and the disease I have is endometriosis. It's something a lot of women deal with, some don't even know they have it and for other women it completely destroys their lives. Endometriosis is where the lining of your uterus for some reason, grows in other areas of your body...  and it can cause all kinds of problems. It basically sews your organs together, creates a lot of inflammation and pain and it can affect your other organs which is what it has done to me. There are a lot of things involved, and it's greatly damaged my bladder. It's a hard disease to manage. Hysterectomy was always the last resort for this disease but when women continued to have pain after, Doctors found that even with ovary removal (estrogen feeds endometriosis) the endometriosis still grows because it actually starts creating it's own estrogen. It's like a parasite, really. And one that most Doctors do not understand all that well. There is no cure.

Three times they have cauterized my endometriosis through surgery, but this is a very short term fix because they are only able to burn off the tops of implants leaving most of the disease behind... so it just grows back. They also cannot remove any of the endometriosis that is on your bladder, or inside your other organs, or that's microscopic at the time of surgery and they cannot see. I've had surgery to remove most of my reproductive organs, and now the pain is actually worse than before. The Doctors are testing me now to see if I have a bladder disease or if I have endometriosis inside my bladder causing major bladder issues, but that's just a small part of the over all pain. 

I've tried alternative therapies and no pain medication has offered relief. For many women they are told to live with it. A lot of women take hormones that throw them into menopause, or testosterone. These medications cause horrible side effects that are not reversible. It's frightening. They also don't usually even help offer any pain relief.

But in the U.S. there is a very small handful of Doctors who do a very special kind of surgery for endometriosis, it's called excision. And these Doctor's who specialize in this disease admit, surgical removal is the only way to find long term pain relief. Because they actually cut out all the disease and all the surrounding tissue, this surgery offers 90% or better chance you will be pain free, at least from the endometriosis pain. It's very delicate work, since they are removing the disease off of your other organs and from inside of them, so there are so few Doctors that do it. There are about 10 in all of the United States. In Canada we don't do this surgery - one reason is lack of specialists, another is cost because of our health care system. They won't pay for it. Often during this surgery they need to remove part of your bladder, your bowel, and do other repairs to try and correct some of the damage that has been done by the endometriosis lesions. 

There have been many articles in newspapers from B.C. to Ontario in the past couple of years from women trying desperately to get this surgery in the U.S. so they can have their life back without excruciating pain. I won't describe my pain, but it's bad enough that many times even though I knew I probably wouldn't die, I wanted to. 

But I live with it, and I manage it... until about 5 months ago. The pain became worse than ever, never going away, and bringing on new and more painful symptoms. When I bend or lift anything, my stomach actually distends to that of a woman who is 6 -7 months pregnant. You can imagine the pain from that symptom alone. I have chronic pelvic pain, chronic inflammation of my bladder and pain, and my whole abdominal area. And that's what has brought me to where I am now. But I am a Canadian, and going to the U.S. for surgery is not an easy task. I have no insurance, and I cannot afford to pay for the surgery out of pocket. I have one hope, because Kevin is a retired military officer (from the U.S. Coast Guard) he has TriCare and as his wife, I also have access to TriCare but because I am not an American Citizen, it's complicated, but if we are able to get through all the hoops in front of us, I should be able to get 75-80% coverage, which will help greatly because while we'll still have to pay a considerable sum depending on the final costs of surgery, it will be considerably less than if we had to pay for the entire surgery out of pocket. If for some reason we are left to pay for the entire surgery out of pocket, we are not ruling that out either. Although it would make a huge impact on our life for the future, it may be my only chance at a future with any quality of life. I find that I have a fairly good tolerance for pain, I have been through a lot of pain over the past 8 years with this disease, most of it in the past 5 years. A lot of women describe some of the pain like giving birth repeatedly, others like passing kidney stones every single day. I've never done either of those things so I can't compare, but it's not the kind of pain you just ignore and push through without having much effect on your body or state of mind. 

Fatigue is a major symptom but hasn't really slowed me down until recently. Because of the increase in pain and swelling I've had in the past few months, fatigue has been affecting me more. It's hard to get out of bed in the morning, but I do, but everything I do takes considerable effort and it shouldn't. I'm young and I'm otherwise healthy, but my body is just so worn out.

But I'm working through it, I'm staying strong, and just having hope that there is a way to find real relief from this is very motivating. In a few weeks I get to have another cystoscopy which is one of my least favorite procedures... it's unpleasant for anyone, but because my bladder is in pain, this test really brings on a bad time for me. 

However miserable this is, I have much to fight for, and am grateful for it. The biggest thing women with this disease lack is a support system. They can't work, it destroys relationships for many reasons, and a lot of people just can't understand. It also feels pretty hopeless for a lot of people when you are being offered so few ways of dealing with it, and a lot of those ways bring on whole new symptoms and problems. I'm lucky in this way - it's impacted my relationships a lot, it's impacted my life a lot, but my foundation is good, and it stands strong. 

And basically, I'll be damned if I'm not going to milk my goat or grow my garden. One thing about me is I'm stubborn as a mule, and it can be a good thing and also a bad thing, probably a very annoying thing for some people... like Kevin for instance. I know that might sound nuts, and a lot of people feel like I'm pushing myself too hard and I probably am. I've given up a lot because of my limitations but I won't give everything up. It's part of staying strong - if I just surrendered it would win. Just like any chronic illness, you can't surrender to it. You adapt and you try to move forward in improving your quality of life, or finding a cure. But you don't just give up. That's the worst thing you can do. I used to be able to carry two 45 pound square bales of hay. Now, picking up Douglas, who weighs 14 pounds causes problems for me. So I avoid lifting. I have to ask for help a lot, I can't do a lot of things I want to. But for most things I adjust what I'm doing. I take a lot of breaks, which helps a lot. I wear sundresses because I can't even tolerate wearing pants 3 sizes too big for me most days. I carry my heating pad around with me. I swell up from too much walking, so I can't do all my grocery shopping at one time. I adapt. And hopefully in time, this won't be my reality anymore and I'll have more of myself back. 

Yesterday evening, Izzie went off to her new home. I made this decision over two months ago and found her a new home about 3 weeks ago. Many animals come to me when they are weak or in need, and I try my best to save them, to raise them, and care for them. But the truth is, not all are meant to stay here forever. That became the case with Izzie. I've known for a while that she would be better suited in a different home but it was a very painful decision for me. I love that cow. I raised that cow, and she's my responsibility. I cannot tell you how many sleepless nights I've had because of this, how many tears I shed. My animals are not really farm animals, not in my eyes. They are my family and my responsibility. They rely on me, and I do whatever I can to not fail them in any way.

But as painful as it was coming to this decision, deep in my heart I knew it was right. I had quite a lot of interest her, a lot of it by people who were not quite serious enough or whom didn't have a good enough home in my opinion for her. The family who adopted her have an autistic son who loves animals, they have plenty of land, and plenty of love to offer her. And there's a good chance she'll soon have other cow friends which is something she'd love and had been looking for. She'll be fine. When we finally loaded her in the trailer last night, instead of the overwhelming feeling of grief I expected to feel, I felt nothing but relief. But peace. I saved her, raised her, loved her, and we've given her a good life. Now, her new family will love her and take good care of her, and my family, my herd... the balance that has been missing from it lately, has completely returned.

Afterwards Kevin took me out for a ride in the mule (atv) so we could enjoy the sunset and see how green everything was becoming. And we were treated to some beautiful sights and even visits from a couple of our friends...

Our apple trees are all in bloom. It's one of my favorite things in the whole world. And much to our surprise when we stopped to take a picture of one of the trees behind the house, a deer got up from where he was lying down near the apple tree...

It was our orphan buck fawn. 

He looks to be in good shape, and he's lying near the house for security, which is good. He wasn't even remotely worried about us.

He was more interested in when the apples would show up... I hated to tell him he'd have to wait a little while yet..

And just up the road, with the house still in sight we found a porcupine too...

We had to go in for a closer look, Porcupines are so adorable (except for when they quill your dog.)

See, just look at that face! 

Hi Pal! Don't worry about us, just saying how adorable you are... 

It's so magical watching the forest wake up, everyone enjoys these spring evenings...

The wild strawberries have flowered too! This means in about 2 weeks I should have berries. It's difficult to get wild strawberries because they are a much sought after treat by many critters in the forest, many of whom keep a better eye on them than me even. But a wild strawberry, although small, has a taste 10x stronger than a tame strawberry. They are incredible. I always have big dreams about how many I'll pick, but if I manage a handful, I'd be happy. 

The apple trees are all full of blossoms, which gives me great hope we may have a good crop of apples this fall. It's been cold this week, very cold, but the blossoms have survived and hopefully they will not get hit by frost. Two years in a row now they have, and it's really hurt our apples. 

All the trees are still busy dropping seeds and trying to populate the forest with more of their offspring.

And then we came home to tend to the chickens on the roof... 

La vita è bella. Life really is beautiful. In all it's phases, all it's days, all it's emotions, and seasons. 

Hope

Unfortunately I'm in so much pain right now, I have to change most of my plans for the summer. Everything is on hold until we can hopefully get me some help. We had been planning on building new raised beds in the garden, doing some traveling, getting a lot done around the house, but the truth is because all my pain is in my abdomen and pelvic area, bending puts me in horrible pain, sitting hurts, it's a long mess of troubles that means we are going to have to focus our gardening to my pots (we have almost 100 of them) row crops in the garden (the corn, peas, onions, beans, potatoes) and fixing up the two existing raised beds I have. We'll still be growing a ton of food, just in a different way than I had planned. We had hoped to put 4-6 new raised beds in. 

And then everything else is on hold. We live day by day, wait for appointments. My normal routine right now is to get up and do my animal chores and then see if I have anything left. Usually I lie down for a few hours. I almost always force myself to do more chores, some tidying up, cooking, laundry, etc.. but I am forcing myself. I always feel the complications of my activities. Picking dandelions for wine put me in extra pain for two days. But I was not about to miss out on making dandelion wine. 

Our main goal this summer is to find me help, relief. The disease I have is a complicated one that likely won't kill me (although it can turn to cancer at times) but is putting me in so much misery the only reason I'm functioning right now is because I have to take care of the animals, and because I'm not about to give up my whole life (although it's taken a lot) to this stupid disease. I refuse. Doctors are not helpful. I have had four surgeries and I have refused the drugs they are offered that cause life altering side effects that don't go away when you stop the medications (and these medications only work for a short time if at all, so the benefits in no way outweigh the risks). I can't do that to myself. They have offered little to no pain support, and they just keep sending me for tests when they already know what is wrong. And the reality of this is, for the problem I have in the Country I live in, we have very limited means of "managing" it because of cost. It takes months (16 months to see a pain specialist) to see Doctors and for surgery you can wait over a year. To see my regular Doctor it takes 3 weeks to a month for an appointment. It's very difficult to get help. 

I have more tests scheduled and I have been seeing 5 different Doctors in all different places. It's exhausting, for me, and for Kevin. It's not just the physical toll of the illness, it's a struggle emotionally, but I am so lucky to have such a good support system at home between the animals and Kevin, and good friends. A lot of women with this disease I have are unable to work, and have no support, so I am so grateful I have a safe place to call home, and someone who loves me enough to stand by me. Illness, especially long term or chronic illness no matter what the kind, is very hard on peoples relationships, friendships, and it really brings out the best or worst characteristics in the people around you, and in yourself. 

Many days I have come in from chores and had to cry, because everything I do makes the pain worse. And the pain at times causes me to become a little shocked at it's location and intensity. The way I stay sane is through the animals, through making bread, through being as productive as I can. Otherwise I'd just go cry in a corner all day long and that's not productive at all, either physically or mentally. But it's a huge battle. So many times I have fluffed up how much pain I am in or how much I struggle to my family and friends and people around me, because I don't want to complain, I don't want to dwell on what's happening. I don't have cancer, many people are much more sick than I am and suffer more. But sometimes I have to acknowledge that this is taking a huge toll on me.

But not such a huge toll that I am backing down and not going to stand up for myself. 

There have been times in dealing with this that I have come to feel like this disease is playing such a major starring role in the movie that is my life, and I don't want it to be, I want it to have a very small cameo, that it doesn't even get paid for. That's how I want to look back at this someday. Hopefully. Many times it's felt hopeless, I've been told this will be my life and I'll need to live with it. 

But I do have hope, one very big, very difficult to attain hope... but if the stars align, then this current battle I'm fighting will be won, by me, not it. 

This blog is a place to share mostly the happy things in my life, the animals, the farm, recipes, projects and stories with all of you. I'm grateful for it, grateful to be able to share it and grateful that you all read along and enjoy it. I've made some wonderful friends through this blog and reading some of your blogs always is a bright spot in my day.

I'm sharing this not be sad, but because this is my reality right now and part of my journey. But also because although the light at the end of the tunnel is still faint, I can see it. And I so hope to be writing at some point to all of you, that the light is so close I need to cover my eyes to shield them from the brightness. 

Happy Mother's Day!

A very Happy Mother's Day to everyone, moms of human kids and fur and feathered kids alike. This Mother's Day was one of the rare times that my mom's Birthday also fall's on Mother's Day. I always loved it when that happened. Clearly because we live in the frozen tundra that is Canada, I needed a lot of blankets when she took me out of the house! :) My Papa (Grandfather) had a convenience store at that time, so that's where we were visiting in this picture. My mom worked there, my Uncle, and my sisters.

 Today I decided to make one of her favorite things... Funnel cakes! How fun it would have been to make them for her, but since I can't do that, the next best thing was making them and eating them while remembering how much she loved them. She loved them with whipped cream and strawberries. We had ours with powdered sugar and lots of honey.

What a mess to make, but how delicious. So worth the mess. And actually really, really easy.

I got lots of love from my kids today.



Especially from the biggest mama's boy around, Douglas.



And Puffin is doing great! I'm so relieved. She's eating well and growing well just like her big sisters. Best Mother's day present ever.



Today is also day 1 of my dandelion wine fermentation. I steeped the dandelions for 24 hours and today added the rest of the stuff, fruit, yeast, and sugar. Lots and lots of sugar. 8 ahem.. *cough* pounds of it.

Now it ferments for 7 days and then I can bottle it and store it away for a couple of months before it's ready to drink. Once I bottle it, I'll share the recipe I used.

I made cherry chipotle pulled pork for dinner and now I'm going to get ready to do evening chores, and then snuggle up in bed with all the dogs and watch some movies and relax. The perfect evening. It's cold and windy outside, all my plants came in but the weatherman is promising no frost and I hope he's right because all the apple trees just blossomed and I don't want another year without apples. It's been 2 years since we've had anything as it is due to late frosts.

I hope everyone enjoyed their day, and their evening. 

My favorite honey whole wheat bread

As requested by Lisa in Maine, here is my favorite whole wheat recipe - this is a honey wheat loaf, I do sometimes make straight whole wheat bread but this is my go to recipe and our favorite.

The most important thing about baking good bread is good yeast that's been properly activated and woken up. If your yeast is not active, you'll have tough, dense, flat bread. If you make sure you yeast is good and properly activated, most everything else is fool proof. 

You need:

5 tsp of active dry yeast

1 2/3 cup of warm water

2/3 cup of milk

1/4 cup (1/2 stick) of melted butter

1/4 cup of honey 

1 1/2 tsp salt

2 tsp granulated white sugar

2 cups whole wheat flour 

4 cups bread flour

1/2 cup large flake oats

Put your warm water (not scalding hot, but warmer than lukewarm, I just run my fingers under the tap until it feels right) in a big bowl. Put your yeast in there and stir one time, then let it sit for 10-15 minutes until the yeast wakes up - you'll see it come to life.

Once the yeast is awake, microwave your 2/3 cup of milk for 30 seconds and then add it to the bowl. Melt your butter, let it cool and then add it. You don't want it scalding hot, warm is OK. Then add your honey, sugar, and salt, and stir. Now add your whole wheat flour and mix until it's incorporated and then add 2 cups of bread flour. You'll be able to still mix this with your spoon. Add the third cup of bread flour and when your bread is getting too hard to mix, pull it out onto a well greased surface and start kneading it. Sometimes you need all four cups of bread flour and sometimes you need 3 1/2 for it to come together. Knead your dough until it comes together to form a nice smooth and elastic ball - about 10 minutes. 

In a clean bowl, rub some olive oil around it with your fingers, just about a tsp worth. Then place your dough inside and cover with a tea towel. Leave to rise for an hour, or until doubled in size.

Once your dough has doubled in size, divide into two even pieces. Using one half at a time, roll the dough out with a rolling pin and then sprinkle some large flakes oats in, about 2-3 Tbsp. Press the oats slightly into the dough and then roll the dough up.

Place in greased loaf pan and repeat with your second half of dough. 

Cover again with a tea towel and let rise for another hour or so, until doubled in size.

Preheat your oven to 400 degrees Fahrenheit and bake for 23-30 minutes until golden brown. 

This loaf is extra yummy toasted with fresh jelly...



And in other news... my hens finally starting laying! It's been a month since our 10 "ready to lay" hens arrived. I know it usually takes a couple of weeks for new hens to get used to their new home, but I think these girls were a little younger than ready to lay age and that's what the hold up was. Whatever it was, they are starting to lay and they are happy, using their big yard in the day, and every night they want me to pet each of them! I don't think I've ever had hens so friendly, and I've always loved my Reds for their sweet disposition but these girls are extra sweet.



I thought I was hallucinating when I saw these first eggs in the nest box :)